My Mata Hari.

I want to run away to Bali and live by the sea,
where the sun sets in the horizon, as she sets by me.
to feel her warm embrace, tomorrow she shines free..
she cares for me and let me be
whenever I'm alone.. she will surely be by me.

I want to live in Phuket.. and watch my sun set.
say our goodbyes, until tomorrow we met.
to leave my frowns in the ocean it will drown.
my sun tells me "love, live each day with no regrets"

my feelings grow weary, my Mata Hari she's angry,
for i sometimes neglect her, when i feel tired and thirsty.
i care for her, and comfort her dearly,
yet she sear my skin she burns me deeply.

"stop this love, you're hurting me truly",
I am only human.. i make mistakes unintentionally
i admit my wrong doings.. eventho those wrongs are silly
but you are my Mata Hari.. my one my only.

My Mata Hari she loves me sincerely this i know,
but my feelings she hurts, what she reaps she might never sew.
I need her warmth and i can't live without her glow,
so wherever my Mata Hari sets.. then there is where i must go.

My Affection. My Strength.

You are the reason that I'm smiling nowadays,
you are the reason that i feel good in every way.
You are the reason that I'm looking forward for tomorrow,
you are the reason I forget all my sorrows.
You are my strength, you are my sun.
You come first compared to none.
I don't know how to live without you now..
So I'll make you mine and we'd live together... forever, no matter how.

Embedded in our minds.

Had the best time yesterday night. Went out with a very special woman, on a very special occasion.. to a very special place. :)

It was my 1st real "date" since the last 5 years i'v been single. So i tend to make the best out of it, and (even to my surprise) it went really great. bought her chocolates and tried to buy her some flowers but tulips are meant for pre-orders (means you can't just walk in and buy if from the florist) should have settled with roses.. but i just feel that roses are over-rated and she deserves something special.. (look up what tulips means, google sayang kamu). Drove up to Singapore for the very 1st time, figuring out which way to go, which turn to take.. luckily i didn't lose my cool. but nothing could go wrong if i'm with her (really?.. really!) Didn't know that you'd only be charged S$5 flat on ERP (for foreign cars, and maybe on weekends only). so we decided to park our car at Bugis MRT and take a cab instead.

Had dinner at Thai Express @ Esplanade.. not bad, but the environment was off. Wanted to bring her to a quiet, candle light dinner to set up the mood.. but knowing only that this restaurant offers halal food so we had to settle for it.. goofed and laughed alot (quality times), even the waitresses were friendly.. so it was kinda nice. Afterward we took a quick stroll down to the banks of the Singapore river.. human-infested, Dang! really need a quiet spot to talk.. so i decided to take her for a ride on the Singapore Flyer. Expensive, but worth every second of our experience.

The lighting was just nice, environment/scenery was superb but the music that was playing?.. major turnoff! yet we still managed to get intimate.. we spoke our hearts content, got connected with each other seriously.. and i must say the chemistry that time? PERFECT!.. this, was an one-off experience that (i really hafta say) the both of us would remember for as long as we live..

look at how the day went.. there were some things that occasionally went wrong but we still managed to enjoy the night without any complaints.. I really wish that we could do this again, and i'm hoping that this experience would progress to something more serious. Because she's the reason that i'm smiling nowadays.. and i couldn't imagine myself living without her.

the night was so magical that i didn't even feel tired.. sent her home, at 1am (sorry aunty, uncle :D ) and she "salam" me the way that (for malays) a wife/younger person respects a husband/older person.. (look it up, google sayang kamu).. I couldn't ask for a better night than this one. a picture perfect moment.. every second of if.

Thanks dear, for being so "perfect" in my eyes. :)

understanding. understatement.

if you need space, i'd give you the universe.
when you need time, i'd give you eternity.
so you need kindness, i'll give you love & care.
but if you need me to leave, then i'll cease to exist.

i give you all, and i only ask for understanding.

but you push me away, so i'll go as far as anyone has ever gone before.

all.. for the price of just wanting to understand.

I'm Unpredictable.. and i'm always the one in the middle

sometimes i don't understand myself.. *hmpfh, been trying to understand the surroundings, people around me yet i don't understand myself, how my mind works.. what's the meaning of the feelings that i'm having. I can make people laugh/smile whenever i want to.. but happiness is what i always seek.. never seem to find it no matter where i look.

Am i destined to be alone?, is this what god has planned for me?. To me.. i feel like happiness is something that i can't afford. or at least on a regular basis.. i smile, i get to smile every once in a blue moon.. yes. But whenever i get to smile, this "thing" that made me smile would just be taken away in an instance leaving me empty yet again.. It's in my nature (no matter how i hate it to be true every now and then) to show kindness and gratitude.. to "share" that burden so that "they" could smile again.. It's not that i portray this character as if like to show people that i'm a good-guy. It's just who i am.. and yes, it's true nice guys DO finish last. I just don't understand why.. don't even understand what's the purpose of all this.. maybe i make people happy so that i could feel happy for a bit.. maybe.. maybe the reason i'm helping people is to just to feel good about myself.. maybe.. maybe all this effort is just a lie.. a lie to myself.. who knows, maybe i was born to be a bad person but someone forgot to tell me this.. so here i am being who i'm not.. maybe that's why i'm never happy.. at least long enough to feel that it's real..

and whenever i get to be happy.. I'll find out that i'm actually in a mess.. always in the middle.. cleaning up shit.. showering the sadness with being kind and showing gratitude.. giving constant moral support hoping that they would realize that.. maybe it's me who they are looking for.. (heh). people tend to ignore what they have under their noses until it's all gone.. i dunno what to believe. i'd like to believe in love.. but it's never been there for me.

I've felt alone since i was a child.. maybe i'm so comfortable living like this that i really don't know how to not feel alone.. what's not feeling alone feels like? i dunno.. never got the chance to experience such a thing.. i'm always the one in the middle of a mess.. always trying to resolve things.. for everyone.. always the one with the answer..

"hey babe, you remember we always say that to never ignore things.. to always tell what you feel?.. well, i think i hafta ignore you now.. 'cos i feel that i'm falling in love with you.. and it's eating me inside knowing that the heart that i seek, is own by someone else"

I hope she understands.. here's hoping (to god almighty) that she'd realize this sooner than later that the happiness that she's hoping for is right here standing in front of her.. standing.. on the edge of summer.

"I love you babe, forgive me" :(

my first BJJ experience

A friend and I decided to take up martial arts, as a new hobby.. since that there's nothing new in life.. always fancied Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ) so i guess i just give it a try.. went to fight G at Clarke quay and this girl (who looks a little bit like Wong Li Lin but with a lean body and walks with a swagger-SO HOT!) told us to come-by next time for a free trial session (since that we arrived quite late).

My friend persuaded me to take up Muay Thai with him but I'm not much of a striker/stand-up kinda guy so, maybe next time.. would like to give BJJ a try first. It was on Thursday night (after OT) that we went back to the gym for our complimentary trial session.. was so exited since that I've always wanted to take up BJJ.. reached there at 8pm, got changed and waited for the session to start..

Warm-up was ok, usual stuff, then they stepped up the pace doing conditioning exercises.. at this point everything was so fast paced that i felt the burn straight away.. panting, sweat started to break and adrenalin pumped so hard.. usually I'd feel this way when i workout like 30mins++ or more but this was like only 10mins in.. whoa?.. everyone else was like so relaxed that it made me look so ridiculous.. panting away like i just sprinted down a very long hall.

So my first lesson on BJJ was passing guard.. the instructor showed us how to make a transition from full guard to side control, full guard to back mount from underneath and another move that i couldn't recall.. so, after practicing some of the moves that he just showed us, we started sparring for 4 full mins.. at this point i started feeling nauseous and hot.. first up was passing guard from north-south position (keep in mind that this was my first time ever in any kind of martial art and i only know shit) eventually they told me what i should do so it was not that hard at all.. but my stamina at this point was drained out completely so it was really hard to do sweeps and stuff.. after the 4min session ended i straight away headed to the cooler to buy myself a drink or i'd pass out right then and there. staggered down the stairs nearly falling fished out my wallet from the bag in the locker and downed a hundred plus like 30secs flat.. seriously, i felt like there's nothing harder than BJJ at that time.. headed back to the mat but had to lie down (the instructor told me to) while my legs was perched on a stool.. my sugar level was drained and i almost dehydrated myself.

Each session consist of warm-ups, conditioning, some BJJ demonstration, and 4mins of sparring session for 4 rounds on different jiu variations and warm-downs.. i think i only managed to stay in the first half of the session feeling completely conscious. Eventually though i managed to survived the whole session without throwing up, YEAY!.

but the next day was the hardest day. my whole body ached from my neck straight down to my thighs. And i forgot to mention that we had to do 30min of full push-ups and 30min of crunches after each intervals of sparring round.

like what i posted on my facebook shoutout. this experience was HELLISH, INTENSE and (almost) LIFE THREATENING! but i can't wait for the next session.. and it's on this coming Monday..

p/s: my body is still aching all over. (-_- ")

The Finest Things in Life Are in Dreams :)

Had the best dream in my whole entire life last night. i dreamt about being at an Incubus concert somewhere i don't know. Was watching them performing live and enjoying every moment of it. Cheering, shouting, singing along to every song that they were performing.. And then there was this segment in thier concert where they actually invite some random kid out of the crowd to play with them live. And i was invited on-stage! the feeling that i felt (in the dream was unimaginable.. almost euphoria).. so (in this dream) i walked up onstage and they handed me this percussion where i would actually stand beside Brandon Boyd.. they asked me to introduce myself, shook my hand and announced the music that they were gonna perform and told me to just wing it (freestyle). At this moment i was so nervous that i just stood still when they started playing.

Brandon smiled at me and told me to "just play".. and when i started to drum on the percussion the whole crowd started to cheer. eventually i did great. They liked my style, invited me back stage and offered to record a song with me. what else should i say but "Hell Yes!" right.. i mean, this is Incubus-one of my biggest fav. band ever!. next thing i remembered was being in a van to Nevada to another location of thier concert.

And then i woke up. Even tho i didn't get to dream recording that song with Incubus, i still had a great time (dreaming) jamming with them live. just couldn't believe i'd get to dream this dream.. the beauty of Ramadhan.. M blessed. (^_^ )

Tatkala Hati Merindu

Pejamkan mata dan bayangkannya
hadirlah ia di hati bersua
kenangkan masa pabila bersama
bersenyumlah puas dengan apa yang ada.

kadang-kalanya yand dicari sudah jumpa
tetapi hati berlenga-lengah bersahaja..
sedarlah bahawa langit hanya penuh dengan impian
pandanglah ke bumi pulanglah ke nyata.

langkahmu perlahan bagai tiada hala
hatimu tenang seolah tiada rasa.
tatkala hati sudah merindu
madahlah dengan kata-kata bermadu.

Reminiscence - somehow i've lost myself somewhere

It's been awhile since i posted anything on this site.. if only I have any substancial matter to record.. truth is, I'm not myself. Not since KL. I noticed that i changed alot ever since i moved back to my hometown. Tried to leave everything behind.. and i guess i did. My past, friends, places i used to go to.. and a little bit of myself. Tried writing again.. but can't think of anything to write about these days.. not to say that each day i live is not important, but i don't feel the excitement.. always told myself to challenge the day ahead.. but there's nothing.. just plain, simple, go-to-work-and-back-day.. maybe that's why I always find the need to go out and PARTAY every now and then..

I'm getting tired of all these nonsense.. i need an inspiration. Desperately need a challenge. I feel that I'm capable of doing wonders.. but i wonder what can i do?.. What can i do?..

tiba-tiba teringat serangkap lagu by yuna "We question what we are, this i spend the best so far".. such truth in just a simple phrase.. I'm glad that I'm still alive.. but am not looking forward for tomorrow.. eventually we all have to live our lives to the fullest..

So let's just do what we feel like..shall we? fill that half-empty life with things that would excite ouselves.. something that we cld always look back to and laugh about, tell stories of.. argue.. discuss. let's just live life and remember every little things.. for our generations to come.

I'll come back to that place where i left a little part of me.. someday. And i know that i'll be whole again. :)

lost?

i feel uninvited, i'm uninspired, unimpressed with last year's experience... i step into the new year unresolutionised.. i don't even care if there's no such words.. there is now. i don't intend to change anything because i'm unorganised.. unfocused.. i need inspiration to continue to smile and look forward to tomorrow. because today will go by unchallenged. i'm understating myself not because i give up.. just unenergised to keep glory. i don't care if this post speaks of gibberish.. or wether it is unjustified.. i dodn't make you read this, you chose to bore yourself (if not to death).. you may not want to finish reading.. but you're curious of what's happening next. congratulation. you just made an effort to seek. think out of the norm. that box is starting to fill up, full?. i'm famished.

Start Anew

Let's revert to being normal. shit happens so look alive. It's about taking chances. do what you feel without second guessing yourself. analysis leads to paralysis, so to speak. i took the leap. and now i'm left hanging. let's just sweep it all under the rug. or rather recycle it or shit. y'all have been walking for far too long. let's pick up the pace, let's run. life's too short and too serious.. so make the best, go make yourself.

it's been aeon since i last updated this shit-forsaken blog.. didn't even bother to. no one ever drop by. for what even?.. nothing of substance, just trash.

let's pick up the pace, let's run. take chances. regret the choices that you've made along the way if you must. IF YOU MUST. but dust yourself off and run again.

Shit happens. So look Alive!

sarcasm

It's a way that i've adopted (apart form being a johorean). Being sarcastic. It's not to boast of greatness but rather challenging myself to be less ignorant of what's happening today, keeping myself in-check. I, for one, do not have a nasty sense of humor but rather lame (at times). I am not an anti-social, just SHY.. i am rather friendly (so i was told) that most of my peers befriend me - for benafits.. No, i'm not a rich & spoiled kid who lives in a mansion on top of a hill and drives a freakin' buggati..

ME. A kind hearted warm red blooded human being, or in other words "The nice guy who finishes last". Why am i that kinda person? GOD's will. I'll give you that.. it has been this way ever since i could remember. Maybe because of the way i was brought up inot this world (or that my mother had always wanted one of her sons to become a religious guru)..

so.. sarcasm, it's a way of me being who i am without caring what ppl think of me.. like flashing the middle finger in your face without doing it exactly. because "to each, his own" so please.. don't let this front fool u.. stop being judgemental and actually start reading the whole book.. i'm not bright.. but i'm a self proclaimed smart ass! you might think that it's stupid.. until you really understand.

All Is Doomed!

I've been inspired by some bloggers by thier postings in the perfect format of the "bahasa ibunda" so i tought i'd put up a post in "bahasa"... but all of the sudden I found it quite hard. What happened? I mean i do converse in "bahasa" all the time.. so it should not be a problem.... right?.

It hit me then.. "THEY" have actually taken over the world without people noticing... winning over our votes, our minds, our culture... everything! BLAME MTV BLAME AMERICAN IDOL BLAME REALITY TV shows all you people are being brainwashed they are winning wars untill there's nothing but THEM (in all of us!).. should we not do anything about this?..


which leads to another thing.. here's the scenario :

I was with a friend walking around at GAP (the clothing store) and he told me that this particular brand is funding the jewish (go figure..) and probably thier war as well.. and i actually told him

"yeah, so what? whoever gives a $#i+.." (i actually said that!)..

and he said "well, actually i do!"...


but do we actually do care about this matter? if so why are we drinking coca-cola instead? why are we chain-smoking ciggarets like dunhill or marlboro or what not...? well we said we matter about this issue.. but why can't we resist all these brands that are funding the war? we are actually paying for those bullets that killed all those innocent people.. and we say we care..

hell we can't even write in proper bahasa melayu let alone care about the world... we do actually think about changing the way the world works.. we actually do think about changing how the system works.. we do actually tell ourselves that we care about what matters most.. but we never (just) do anything about it..

why?

because "THEY" have actually won! it's just a matter of realising it.. time to wake up! and retrack our steps.. because we are all drifting away.. because when the time is TOO LATE?.. we might be killing each other.....


...until there's only "THEM"

Now Entering Cyberia

(Population: Zero)
A Note on the Medium

Due to your vague interest in these matters which have been deemed antisocial by the new thought police, you have been exiled to Cyberia. You may believe your visit to be voluntary, but ask yourself: if you could live—in real time, in full color, without a 'net'—the revolt and transformation you fantasize about, would you be here, contemplating and trading in mere representations of such things? The new isolation chambers and interrogation rooms largely need no judicial procedures or law enforcement to fill them—we confine ourselves to these office cubicles, internet cafes, and lonely bedrooms willingly, even believing ourselves to have found access to our dreams and desires here.

Not to criticize you, of course—since obviously I am in the same situation as you, similarly self-exiled. But let's use this time in the wilderness as the political prisoners of old did: not to get accustomed to it, not to build new lives around this voluntary amputation, but to educate ourselves, increase our powers and connections, so when we can return to society we will be armed with new tools for dismantling and reconceiving it. Let us take the world itself back, rather than the "information superhighways" upon which we are being herded so quickly away from it, so one day there will be no need for anyone to return here besides misguided historians and other archeologists of the cursed graveyards of the past.

See you on the other side of the screen, if you make it, earnest cyberspace cadet.

23 to life!

i Masturbate alot, i smoke too much and the level of caffiene i consume daily is higher then my blood preasure (i think so). Damn!, and this wednesday will be another turning point for me... shit! i'm old mahn.... to say that this feeling is normal is hypocritical but to be thinking otherwise is just like saying that i'm stupid..

i don't really know.. should this be a sad thing? i can't remember at the 1st place why we loved Birthdays so much. Probably the presents.. but it could also be the parties. "you're only as old as you feel"<--- now which jerk said this?! lemme just give him my 2 cents.. Fucking turd.

the past was nice, full of colors. Present times seems dull (but i'm single, which is a good thing... at least for me).. do i sound lame? I'd say NO. Am quite happy with the state that i'm currently in actually... couldn't quite remember why i'd write this stupid blog the first place. Anyway looking forward into the future, hope it's gonna be a lot more thrilling than yesteryears.. Fuck! i do sound lame (with a little pinch of gay-ness).. what ever mahn!..

Happy Birthday Dude! you're fucking old.. now get a life!

Breakfast for The CHAMPIONS

We're talking about omelets.. those nice tasty eggs mixed with milk (full fat for ultimate indulgence, if you must). Some with cheese, melting in the center or sprinkled or anyway you take it.. Nothing like waking up in the morning to that juicy smell of an omelet.

Remembered how my mom used to make breakfast before going to school. Just how I like my omelet, 2 eggs, 1/2 a glass of milk, cheddar cheese, beaten thoroughly to have that fluffiness in the omelet. In some occasion She would put in something extra like canned tuna of corned beef.. mouth watering? Indeed.

My dad used to bring us up to Fraser's Hill whenever he could for holidays. The sweetest moment was having breakfast in an open cafe enjoying the morning breeze sipping coffee and enjoying the rich aroma (I started drinking coffee since I was 5, 'cos my parents would always make one thermos flask full of coffee everyday) and having my favorite cheese omelet. Breath taking, relaxing, good for the heart. I miss those times (leaving us for his 2nd wife was a lifetime mistake for him, he could have been a good father. Happy Father’s day to you wherever you are)..

I'd go back up there one of these days.. maybe when I have my own family or not. Enjoying the morning air, a cup of coffee, a good book by my favorite author, and that omelet I had as a child.. tak boleh lupa how fluffy and tasty and whatever not..

My last omelet I had was back in JB, taught my (then) girlfriend how to make one. The best I ever had (the fact that she made me my all-time favorite breakfast scored big time). Never thought a meal would bring so much memories, sweet memories.

One whole nation could start a war just to have this kinda meal.. Omelet, Breakfast for the CHAMPIONS.

Insightful in-SHIT-full

Am tired of not getting to do what I wanna do. Even thinking about doing what I can't do is tiresome.. I wish I have something interesting to write about.. or something a lot less stupid at least. I've grew tired of insightful writings because no matter how much I write about how I feel toward people or things that'll make me tick, in the end I end up becoming the things I loathe. And I realized my English is getting a bit rusty.. this is what you get when you wrap your life around idiocy.. as they say "if you hang-out with losers you'll eventually become one yourself".. I know they're not suffering from dyslexia, maybe they're all just plain 'malas'. it's in their blood! (mine too).

A friend of mine has been driving me up the wall these past few weeks, trying to introduce me to another Multi Level/Network Marketing.. asking me to attend seminars and talks (trying to show me what the business is all about).. some people just don't get it.. could you catch my drift when I tell you "Hey, I'm kinda busy at the moment so could I call you when I'm free?".

And this word cup phenomenon is really really really really bad.. it has been two days that I had to sneak into the toilet to rest these tired eyes (the toilet's clean!!).. I can't take the risk of being caught sleeping at work now do I?.. well at least Japan played their 2nd match a little OK.. the goalie is sure gonna receive alotta offer from European clubs after this. Oh! And me fav team BRAJIL!! (brazil) Ronaldo's fat!.. he can’t even chase after the ball nor score a decent goal.. how lame is that?.. and they shouldn't have put Ronaldinho as the center Midfielder, he'd do a lot better as a winger-it's kinda funny u know 'cos I'm not a big fan of sports (especially football) but I'm crying out my frustration about how this team or that team should have played their match, which reminds me why exactly I don't fancy football. But I've been thinkin' about taking up futsal as a new hobby.

Well, if u made it this far then maybe my post is not that lame after all eh?.. hah! The thought of having ideas or things to say but couldn't actually put it into words is quite frustrating.. maybe it's about time to start a journal.. jot down all those crapp that goes thru my mind… I actually have more to say but I'll just end your misery for today.. now

So allow me to bore u another time?.. please I insist.

Jimmy's Dead!!

This poem was taken from a chain letter (surat berantai, haha)... those kinda letters are all bull huh?.. nonetheless this poem is kinda cool!



Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face.
For life is a swift and terrible race.
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine if we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say! “I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes
and tomorrow goes,
And distance between
us grows and grows.
Around the corner
yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir"
"Jim died today."

Samurai Shame

Arrrgh!!! they're killing me!!.. last nite's match against Australia was lousy!!! they had so much to offer but decided to play around?!.. what?! did they think they could get away with that one lucky goal?!! FARK!!!!!... for starters i missed that first goal. which was ok la since Japan was leading... arriving at the usual mamak spot almost full.. everyones watching and chearing for Japan!.. But i must say, Yoshikatsu Kawaguchi was superb with his dramatic diving for the ball!! wargh!! POWER SEYH!!.. yeah not forgetting sending in Shinji ONO on the second half!!.. i was kinda hanging on when Australia Scored an Equalizer but the second goal made me wanted to skull-fuck the tv set.. damn!! what were they thinking?!! they had alot of oppotunities to nail those raggedy ozzy arsses!!..

OI! and what's with the Manager?!.. sore loser man shoving that japan official like that!! blardy butt-faced HAG!!, ugh! and i dunno.. was the field that slippery? u think?.. Those japs keep tumbling like it was fun!.. and the Aussies were Rough! "OI! this ain't Rugby Mate!!"..

Lucky the Italianos didnt make me go back home feeling all disgusted!!.. one of the mamak nearly got yelled at for no reason.. T_T *sob sob*... should i perform the harakiri because they failed to impress me with that lousy played match?.. or should i call someone and bash thier ear drums yapping about how the japanese played on thier opening match?.. Pundek la weih!!.. everyone at the mamak left with an unhappy face.. BAGAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

SCARE crow

something weird just happened to me this morning as i was walking to work. A crow brushed me on the back of my neck, surprised i looked at the crow as it landed on a tree branch. It actually stared back at me then croaked at me as if saying "what's your problem, buddy?!".. i looked at it with an angry face and continued walking.. then it brushed the back of my neck AGAIN!.. at this point i was feeling kinda freaked out.. is this nasty bird trying to attack me? just the tought of that sharp claws and big black beak poking me made my hair stand... after that i walked faster, looking back at the bird every 30seconds or so.. i'm all jinxed out now!.. fuck! i hope i don't get bad luck for crossing this crow man!!