Embedded in our minds.

Had the best time yesterday night. Went out with a very special woman, on a very special occasion.. to a very special place. :)

It was my 1st real "date" since the last 5 years i'v been single. So i tend to make the best out of it, and (even to my surprise) it went really great. bought her chocolates and tried to buy her some flowers but tulips are meant for pre-orders (means you can't just walk in and buy if from the florist) should have settled with roses.. but i just feel that roses are over-rated and she deserves something special.. (look up what tulips means, google sayang kamu). Drove up to Singapore for the very 1st time, figuring out which way to go, which turn to take.. luckily i didn't lose my cool. but nothing could go wrong if i'm with her (really?.. really!) Didn't know that you'd only be charged S$5 flat on ERP (for foreign cars, and maybe on weekends only). so we decided to park our car at Bugis MRT and take a cab instead.

Had dinner at Thai Express @ Esplanade.. not bad, but the environment was off. Wanted to bring her to a quiet, candle light dinner to set up the mood.. but knowing only that this restaurant offers halal food so we had to settle for it.. goofed and laughed alot (quality times), even the waitresses were friendly.. so it was kinda nice. Afterward we took a quick stroll down to the banks of the Singapore river.. human-infested, Dang! really need a quiet spot to talk.. so i decided to take her for a ride on the Singapore Flyer. Expensive, but worth every second of our experience.

The lighting was just nice, environment/scenery was superb but the music that was playing?.. major turnoff! yet we still managed to get intimate.. we spoke our hearts content, got connected with each other seriously.. and i must say the chemistry that time? PERFECT!.. this, was an one-off experience that (i really hafta say) the both of us would remember for as long as we live..

look at how the day went.. there were some things that occasionally went wrong but we still managed to enjoy the night without any complaints.. I really wish that we could do this again, and i'm hoping that this experience would progress to something more serious. Because she's the reason that i'm smiling nowadays.. and i couldn't imagine myself living without her.

the night was so magical that i didn't even feel tired.. sent her home, at 1am (sorry aunty, uncle :D ) and she "salam" me the way that (for malays) a wife/younger person respects a husband/older person.. (look it up, google sayang kamu).. I couldn't ask for a better night than this one. a picture perfect moment.. every second of if.

Thanks dear, for being so "perfect" in my eyes. :)

understanding. understatement.

if you need space, i'd give you the universe.
when you need time, i'd give you eternity.
so you need kindness, i'll give you love & care.
but if you need me to leave, then i'll cease to exist.

i give you all, and i only ask for understanding.

but you push me away, so i'll go as far as anyone has ever gone before.

all.. for the price of just wanting to understand.

I'm Unpredictable.. and i'm always the one in the middle

sometimes i don't understand myself.. *hmpfh, been trying to understand the surroundings, people around me yet i don't understand myself, how my mind works.. what's the meaning of the feelings that i'm having. I can make people laugh/smile whenever i want to.. but happiness is what i always seek.. never seem to find it no matter where i look.

Am i destined to be alone?, is this what god has planned for me?. To me.. i feel like happiness is something that i can't afford. or at least on a regular basis.. i smile, i get to smile every once in a blue moon.. yes. But whenever i get to smile, this "thing" that made me smile would just be taken away in an instance leaving me empty yet again.. It's in my nature (no matter how i hate it to be true every now and then) to show kindness and gratitude.. to "share" that burden so that "they" could smile again.. It's not that i portray this character as if like to show people that i'm a good-guy. It's just who i am.. and yes, it's true nice guys DO finish last. I just don't understand why.. don't even understand what's the purpose of all this.. maybe i make people happy so that i could feel happy for a bit.. maybe.. maybe the reason i'm helping people is to just to feel good about myself.. maybe.. maybe all this effort is just a lie.. a lie to myself.. who knows, maybe i was born to be a bad person but someone forgot to tell me this.. so here i am being who i'm not.. maybe that's why i'm never happy.. at least long enough to feel that it's real..

and whenever i get to be happy.. I'll find out that i'm actually in a mess.. always in the middle.. cleaning up shit.. showering the sadness with being kind and showing gratitude.. giving constant moral support hoping that they would realize that.. maybe it's me who they are looking for.. (heh). people tend to ignore what they have under their noses until it's all gone.. i dunno what to believe. i'd like to believe in love.. but it's never been there for me.

I've felt alone since i was a child.. maybe i'm so comfortable living like this that i really don't know how to not feel alone.. what's not feeling alone feels like? i dunno.. never got the chance to experience such a thing.. i'm always the one in the middle of a mess.. always trying to resolve things.. for everyone.. always the one with the answer..

"hey babe, you remember we always say that to never ignore things.. to always tell what you feel?.. well, i think i hafta ignore you now.. 'cos i feel that i'm falling in love with you.. and it's eating me inside knowing that the heart that i seek, is own by someone else"

I hope she understands.. here's hoping (to god almighty) that she'd realize this sooner than later that the happiness that she's hoping for is right here standing in front of her.. standing.. on the edge of summer.

"I love you babe, forgive me" :(