sometimes i don't understand myself.. *hmpfh, been trying to understand the surroundings, people around me yet i don't understand myself, how my mind works.. what's the meaning of the feelings that i'm having. I can make people laugh/smile whenever i want to.. but happiness is what i always seek.. never seem to find it no matter where i look.
Am i destined to be alone?, is this what god has planned for me?. To me.. i feel like happiness is something that i can't afford. or at least on a regular basis.. i smile, i get to smile every once in a blue moon.. yes. But whenever i get to smile, this "thing" that made me smile would just be taken away in an instance leaving me empty yet again.. It's in my nature (no matter how i hate it to be true every now and then) to show kindness and gratitude.. to "share" that burden so that "they" could smile again.. It's not that i portray this character as if like to show people that i'm a good-guy. It's just who i am.. and yes, it's true nice guys DO finish last. I just don't understand why.. don't even understand what's the purpose of all this.. maybe i make people happy so that i could feel happy for a bit.. maybe.. maybe the reason i'm helping people is to just to feel good about myself.. maybe.. maybe all this effort is just a lie.. a lie to myself.. who knows, maybe i was born to be a bad person but someone forgot to tell me this.. so here i am being who i'm not.. maybe that's why i'm never happy.. at least long enough to feel that it's real..
and whenever i get to be happy.. I'll find out that i'm actually in a mess.. always in the middle.. cleaning up shit.. showering the sadness with being kind and showing gratitude.. giving constant moral support hoping that they would realize that.. maybe it's me who they are looking for.. (heh). people tend to ignore what they have under their noses until it's all gone.. i dunno what to believe. i'd like to believe in love.. but it's never been there for me.
I've felt alone since i was a child.. maybe i'm so comfortable living like this that i really don't know how to not feel alone.. what's not feeling alone feels like? i dunno.. never got the chance to experience such a thing.. i'm always the one in the middle of a mess.. always trying to resolve things.. for everyone.. always the one with the answer..
"hey babe, you remember we always say that to never ignore things.. to always tell what you feel?.. well, i think i hafta ignore you now.. 'cos i feel that i'm falling in love with you.. and it's eating me inside knowing that the heart that i seek, is own by someone else"
I hope she understands.. here's hoping (to god almighty) that she'd realize this sooner than later that the happiness that she's hoping for is right here standing in front of her.. standing.. on the edge of summer.
"I love you babe, forgive me" :(
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